Biopsy Taken Successfully

Anesthesia is one of God's gifts.  Yesterday morning (12/30/2011) I was in the operating room looking around at the doctors and the equipment, waiting for things to get started.  The very next second I was lying dazed in the recovery room.  The procedure had taken 1 1/2 hours, but for me, the 90 minutes was a breath of time.

My physician said she had taken 4 or 5 samples from the trouble spot and was satisfied she had a representative sample.  A pathologist in the room issued his preliminary report; the samples appeared free of cancer.  

This is a preliminary report.  Each sample will be more closely examined and the official findings will be issued next week some time.  It's a little early to be shouting "Hip, Hip, Hooray!", but it's not too early to thank God for His wondrous care.

Thank you, Papa, for the bright street light.  Life had begun to darken a bit.

JRM

Learn to Worship From the Birds

It's Christmas morning.  I could not sleep in.  I have never been able to sleep in on Christmas.  There is too much going on and I don't want to miss it.  I am glad I got up early,  because outside my window was an Avian Christmas Worship. The birds worshiped with their song and their dance.

Morning sun and cloud shadow dramatically lit my front yard stage.  Songbirds provided the music.  The dancers were flittering, twittering, fluffing feathers, strutting their stuff...  They sang.  They danced.  They worshiped.  And God enjoyed Himself.  So did I.

The big woodpecker with the red racing stripe came to show off.  The titmouse and his family dropped in.  The finches were here. Mr. and Mrs. Cardinal, always attentive to each other, danced a duet.  The grosbeak clan did not want to be left out.  The chickadees showed off their wardrobe.  They certainly know how to make plain grey and black shine like a rainbow.  The old screech owl who lives across the street flew by and laughed as he scared the other birds.  They all knew it was Christmas Day.  It was special.

They danced in the presence of their Creator.  Jesus is always present in their reality.  They know not His absence.  Christmas Day celebrates the Presence of Jesus.  The birds had to worship.  They could not help themselves.

Their worship touched my soul.  The birds reminded me to worship freely.  I need to worship with all of my lifeforce and hold nothing back.  I need to sing and fly as I worship.  If I can relax and get my worship on, maybe I can give God as much glory as these birds have given.

Glory to God, The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit,
as it was in the beginning, and is now, and evermore shalt be, world without end.
So be it.  Amen!

Some Christmas Musings

Some Christmas Musings
1.  In his humanity, Jesus needed our ministry.  A mother, a father, a family were essential to him.
2.  When we come to the manger we gaze on God in flesh.
3.  "Mary, May I hold him?"  This is definitely something I would say.  Maybe you would too.  Do you think Mary would let me pick up the Child?  I would love to kiss his head, to hold him close, put my nose on his neck and breathe in the baby essence.  I want to rock him gently, and sing to him.
4.  Mary is not the only person who ponders these things in her heart.
5.  This is sad, but true.  We cannot separate the cradle from the cross.
6.  I'm glad he came.

Merry Christmas, Everyone

Why Have You Been So Public About Such a Private Illness?

Since this was posted on August 1st you have visited with us almost 3,000 times.  You have read my wordy meanderings and you've been very sweet with your comments.  Thank you.


Most people have not taken the time to read the back posts.  In my first post I state the purposes for the blog.  I hope that these purposes are being fulfilled.


Merry Christmas Everyone.  Enjoy some blessedness.  Its time to get your Celebration on!
*********
Purpose One: The show of support from my friends and family has been overwhelming.  Now, I have so many people who need to stay updated as to my treatment and progress that it would take me days to send each one a personal message. This blog provides me a way to keep everyone posted and to allow them to drop Susan and me a line from time to time.

Purpose Two:  Hearing the words, "You have cancer," replaces swagger with stagger.  For me, it split me down the middle with my mind acknowledging the diagnosis while my heart was in full emotional denial.  It took me three days before my mind and emotions came together and that was a bad day for me.  People with cancer need support and maybe, in some small way, this blog will help somebody, somewhere to deal with their disease.

Deep Dark Depression? NO WAY!

On Dec 30 we will try again for a biopsy of the hot spot.

We're using a trans-bronchial approach.  That sounds like fun.  Down the bronchial passage with an air tube, an ultrasound wand, and a needle.  Through the bronchial wall and into the node.  Simple.  The physician says there is almost a sure chance of a successful biopsy.  Yay!  (and praise God for anesthesia!)

While we wait, we are celebrating Christmas.  We are enjoying it a lot!  Feasts, visits, ministry, candles, greenery, family, and Christmas Mystery.

A preacher friend of mine is preaching on Christmas Day a sermon titled If This Were Your Last Christmas.  He asked me and others to tell him how we would celebrate Christmas differently if we knew it was the last one for us.  I am going to share with you my answer to him.

But before I do... I want to tell you that I do not believe this is my last Christmas here.  I plan on many more years eating sausage balls from Susan's oven, snacking on bowls of Holiday Tidbits, and watching sappy Christmas movies.  (Ralphie, Jimmy Stewart, and  Natalie Wood are my favorite Christmas actors.)  I want to go caroling for 30 more years.  I want to worship in churches dressed green and lit with candles for decades to come.  And I want to wear out many more Santa hats while ministering to people during Christmas's yet to come.  I am not despondent.  I am not singing the HeeHaw song about "...deep dark depression, excessive misery."

I am Happy...  Joyful...  Hopeful...  In Love With Life and my Wife...   God Loves me and I love Him...  And I plan on getting even better than all this.

Here is my answer to my preacher friend.  I would love to hear from you about how you would do Christmas different if this were your last Christmas.  Leave a comment or write me direct.


On My Last Christmas I Will...
Have Friends over for Christmas Eve Celebray 


Worship on Christmas Morning, yay! 


Keep Family close on Christmas Day


Meditate on the manger and pray


Celebrate Christmas and play


 Let the future hold what it may


I'm going to live in the Day


This will Fear and Anxiety slay!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

May all of God's best

bless you and yours

this Christmas Season.

I May Overflow on You

Today we attempted to biopsy a new hot spot in my body.  The spot was in a difficult area and we were not able to get a needle biopsy.  I don't know what is the next step.  I'll be discussing  that with my oncologist.

Considering the aggravation described in my last post, I  feel remarkably calm right now.  Even though we weren't successful, we tried.  We did what we could.  My medical team will find another way to get the biopsy.  I'm not worried.

In the meantime I plan to enjoy this Christmas Season.  I will recharge my Advent Quotient.  This is when I fill up with Hope, Peace, Joy, and Love.  I plan on overfilling.  Then I can overflow on you.  But don't worry, that will be a good thing.

I hope to see you soon.

Aggravation

On Monday the 12th, physicians will attempt a needle biopsy on a new hot spot.  This spot is behind the collarbone and will be difficult to reach.  However, we could see it with the ultrasound.  We'll see how it turns out.

I need a good tissue sample from the biopsy.
I want the tissue sample to be clean.

Good sample and clean sample will mean I'll move on to surgery.

Do I have any great spiritual truths to share with you because of all this?  Not really.  To be honest with you I'm a little aggravated at the entire process.  But I do want to meditate for a moment on a great big word.  The word is BUT.

I'm aggravated, BUT I will continue to take medical advice and follow through on treatments.
I'm aggravated, BUT I will continue to trust God.
I'm aggravated, BUT I will not allow my aggravation to move me into rebellion.
And most importantly, I'm aggravated BUT I am still wrapped up in Papa's love.

Papa puts up with my little fits and helps me get over the pouts.

This is as spiritual as I can get this morning.

Sorry.

Am I Crazy or a Mean Old Man?

Radiation and chemo are finished for now.  I feel great.  For so long surgery has been what separates me from being in treatment and being a survivor.  But surgery has been delayed.

My last PET scan shows a new 'hot' spot.  There is no sense in doing surgery until we can determine what is that 'hot spot'.  This morning I am sitting in yet another physician's office waiting for a procedure that may give us the answer.

I am juggling too many "IF's".  There is too much uncertainty.  I am having trouble dealing with it.
    "If they can do a biopsy..."
    "If the biopsy is a good representation of the surrounding tissue..."
    "If the biopsy is clear..."

Why am I feeling so impatient at this change in schedule?   Because it is MY schedule that has been changed.  Because it is MY expectations that have not been met.

Why am I cross when I am called to juggle numerous possibilities?  Because I feel the possibility should be a known fact and that I should know the outcome.

It is terribly unflattering to realize that my impatience and cross-ness is symtomatic of an ego problem.  This delay in schedule is another reminder that I have no control over events and circumstances, and I really like being in control.

I cannot control events and circumstances, but I can control my reactions to them.  My impatience and cross nature point to a second problem I have.  It seems that either I am not in control of my reactions  OR  I have chosen impatience and crossness as a desired reaction.

Wow!  This means I am either crazy or I am a mean old man.

I'm not crazy.  Really,  I'm not.

When I grow up, I want to be a neat old man.  This is an honorable life goal.  My current crossness is getting in the way of achieving a life goal.  It has to go.

It is going to take a bit of effort to rid myself of this negative tendancy.  I may be a bit short with people as I deal with it.  I am asking for your forgiveness in advance.

Bear with me.   Bear with The Bear.  I'll get better.  I promise.

I'll not focus on the uncontrollable and begin to focus on reality.  Here is reality.
God knows what is going on.
God knows me.
God has an eternal purpose for me.
I can trust God.

This will keep me from going crazy.  This will allow me to grow up and be a neat old man.

How cool is that?
(Way cool!)

PS...  The final outcome has not happened.  There was no biopsy done today.  I have to wait until next Thursday.  There was a medicine I should not have taken.  (Sigh...)

Don't Waste Your Cancer part 2

Take a quick look at my last posting.  Don't Waste Your Cancer precepts by John Piper are listed.  These are not trite truisms.  They are observations forged in the furnace of human tribulation and tempered with the heat of cancer.  Piper wrote these precepts on the eve of his cancer surgery after wrestling for months with the spiritual aspects of his disease.


These precepts do not massage our weary souls.  In fact, they grate against us, rubbing us raw.  However, I recognize them as polishing abrasives, rubbing and grinding away the tarnish of wrong attitudes and incorrect ideas.


Of all the precepts, I had the most trouble with #2 and #3.


#2 says,  "We waste our cancer if we do not believe it is designed for us by God."
This sounds like God picked me out of the crowd and gave me cancer.  Why would he do that to me?  Isn't it better to say that God uses cancer to accomplish His will?  But to assert God designed it...  come on, REALLY!


This precepts hurts.  My understanding of God's love would not allow this to happen.  God loves me, therefore, He would never design a cancer for me.


MY CONTEXT IS ALL WRONG!  I am judging God based on the existence I know best, my temporal existence.  Within this context, all that God does must be within the time of my life on earth.  Any action that would shorten my life or make my visitation on earth less pleasurable has to be wrong.


When I look at life's experiences as part of an eternity of living I gain a more worthy vantage.


I am an eternal creature.  My faith has given me eternal living.  All that happens to me has been totally considered by God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.  After perfect consideration, the Godhead has determined that I should go through esophageal cancer at this time.  (This is Piper's conclusion and he expounds it better than me in his tract, Don't Waster Your Cancer.  A link to this tract is in my previous post.)


I see only 3 possible responses to this.  1-  I can rebel against the decision.  2-  I can ignore the decision.  3-  I can accept the decision as coming from an all-wise God who knows what is best for me.


I do not understand the WHYS and WHEREFORES of my cancer.  It is not necessary for me to know.  When I decided how I should respond I considered two very important questions.
Does God know more than me?
Can I trust God?


The questions are simple.  The answers were easy, but the appropriation of the answers into my life's story was very difficult.  It was not a quick and easy decision.  You would think I would decide quickly and move on.  I quickly admitted God knows more than me.  I also quickly confessed that I could implicitly trust God.  What took time was TOTAL acceptance.  


My initial response was intellectual and quick.  Accepting Precept 2 on spiritual and psychological levels took more time.  


Allowing God's love and goodness to seep down and cover my cancer meant I had to open myself to His love and submit to Him more deeply than was my habit.  This is an interesting observation in that this cancer is bringing me to receive more of God's love and to submit more deeply to His will.  


Now, I have finally accepted God's decision.


#3 says,  "We waste our cancer if we believe it is a curse and not a gift."
Accepting #3 was a bit easier than was #2.  Curses do not bring an outpouring of love and affection.  Curses do not bring you closer to God.  Curses do not bring Godly energy to people and groups.  Because of my cancer I have experienced these.  My conclusion was, "How could this be a curse when all this good is being released because of it?"


When I came to grips with Precept #2 the rest of Precept #3 opened up to me.  I did have a problem accepting this gift from God.  But along with the affliction has come affection and love.  Once I admitted my knowledge was limited while God's was not and once I professed my implicit trust in God, accepting His gift was easier.


My human condition means I will slide in my resolve to love God.  I have had moments of doubts.  But God's grace means that His love is still perfect toward me and my failure will never reduce His love for me.  His strength is now my strength.  I know from where my strength comes.


Psalm 121:1 I will lift up my eyes to the hills, from where comes my help.
********


Maybe you are tired of reading it, but I feel the need to repeat, "I may have cancer, but cancer will never have me."


Cancer will never have me because I belong to God and my life is ETERNALLY His.  My cancer is just temporary.


This is a solar-strength Street Light for me.  Maybe you, also, can walk in its light.

Don't Waste Your Cancer

On the eve of his cancer surgery, pastor and writer John Piper wrote down 11 precepts and some notes that would become a booklet.  This booklet is designed to help Christians come to grips with their cancer.  I list only the precepts here.  The booklet can be read in full at  

http://dwynrhh6bluza.cloudfront.net/resources/documents/5137/Don't%20Waste%20Cancer.pdf?1319729290  

These precepts are not trite, cheerful words spoken without thought.  They fight and force themselves onto the page and into the spirit.  They are not easy to read.  They forced me to think about hard questions with even harder answers.

"Why do I have cancer?"

"Where is God as I fight my disease?"

"Am I going to die?"

"Have I done anything to deserve this?"

Piper wrote these precepts after months of struggling.  i am still struggling.   Since I do not know what God knows I choose to concentrate on what I know and more than ever I know peace and security. 

•     I know I am God's child.  
•     I know that God loves me.  
•     I know that God is with me; he even indwells me.  
•     I know that Jesus said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."  
•     I know that I am in the arms of God.  
•     I know that is the right place to be.
•     I know that I have cancer, but cancer will never have me.

Piper's concepts will affect you emotionally.  You will not agree with them all.  You may even say, "I cannot accept this!"   I know this because this is the way I reacted.  I now realize my reaction partially came from my relational insecurity with Papa.  To a larger part, my reaction came from my stubbornness.  I refused to accept that someone else is the master of my fate.  I cannot judge what is best for me.  I do not have enough information to make those kinds of judgments.

Please remember three things as you read these precepts.

A.  Remember these words are for everyone, not just 'religious' persons.

B.  Remember that only through Jesus can we accept God's acts and still remain safe, secure, and at peace.

C.  Remember to follow the link above and read the booklet in full.  Piper's comments on each precept will give you much to consider.

In my next post I will tell you the two precepts that have grated me the most.  In the meantime, these precepts continue to shine on me and help me to live, love, and minister.  This is what Street Lights are supposed to do.

John Piper's "Don't Waste Your Cancer"

1.          We waste our cancer if we don’t hear in our own groanings the hope-filled labor pains of a fallen world.
2. We waste our cancer if we do not believe it is designed for us by God.
3. We waste our cancer if we believe it is a curse and not a gift.
4. We waste our cancer if we seek comfort from our odds rather than from God.
5. We waste our cancer if we refuse to think about death.
6. We waste our cancer if we think that “beating” cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ.
7. We waste our cancer if we spend too much time reading about cancer and not enough time reading about God.
8. We waste our cancer if we let it drive us into solitude instead of deepen our relationships with manifest affection.
9. We waste our cancer if we grieve as those who have no hope.
10. We waste our cancer if we treat sin as casually as before.
11. We waste our cancer if we fail to use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ.

A Private Comment from a Good Friend

What follows is a private comment to the last post.  The person who sent this is very familiar with health problems, pain, surgery, and trusting God.  I appreciate her comment so much I wanted to share it with you.  The only changes I have made were to make her post anonymous.  Let me know if her wisdom shines a light on you like it does on me.
********

Surgery is scary. I have had a zillion and I still get scared. Here are a few things I have learned:

1. Start praying now for your doctor, your surgeon, your anesthesiologist, and most importantly your nursing staff. The nurses are who really make a difference in how you feel before during and after! I found when I prayed for them and I had others praying for them I trusted them more...I guess that seems weird...but I did. Recently I find myself brave enough to tell them and my last team prayed for me with their hands on me. I slipped under with that going on around me...amazin!,

2. Your last question was the hardest one for me. Can I lean on others?   I am lousy lousy lousy at that! I hate asking for help, I hate not being able to do for myself, I hate feeling weak. That has changed some for me in the last two years. My husband was out of town and I had to have a rather painful procedure done and I couldn't be alone. I called a friend from church and she drove me and stayed with me for a while. When she left SHE thanked ME. She said it was an honor to be able to help and that I allowed her to be used by God.  Hmmmm...never thought about it that way. When I give in and ask for help I am not imposing I am giving them the chance to do what they've been wanting to do. It is still hard and I still don't ask when I should...but my attitude is changed.

3. I told you this once before...but I am going to say it again. Do not try to be brave and tough it out. Surgery hurts...quite a bit usually...and they give you pain meds to make it better. You will heal faster if you are not also fighting pain. Take the meds the way they tell you and you won't be addicted...you will heal.

4. Plan to do something special for Susan. Before your surgery,  make sure you have folks around that will support her, who will take her out to dinner, who will load the dishwasher...you know what I mean. Also make sure you let her know how much you appreciate her. Sometimes my husband gets worn out, but he won't tell me. Sometimes Susan will need permission to talk to someone about her fears and her exhaustion...help her find that person if she hasn't already.

Can I Tell You a Secret?

I am a little afraid of my upcoming surgery, actually, more than a little.

My body has never been cut open.  I still have my tonsils and adenoids.  Other than a couple of sew-ups, I am in pristine condition.  If I were an antique, I'd be worth money.  The surgery will remove the affected area of my esophagus and then re-attach my stomach to what remains.  This procedure calls for a 10-14 day hospital recovery, and a time of home recovery as well.

My doctors all say I'll do well, and I probably will.  But no one wants to be invalid, even if it is only for 6-8 weeks.  I don't want to have cancer either and my desire to be cancer free wins out over my fear of surgery with its accompanying invalidism.

There once was a young pastor who had some fears about his ministry.  Paul, the Apostle, wrote these words to him.  "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."   How do I reconcile my own fear about this surgery with this scripture?

1.  Fearful concern cannot be avoided.  Everyone experiences it.  No one should ever beat themselves up over having fearful concern.  It is your reaction to the fear that matters.
2.  In spite of my fear can I still make wise decisions and do the right things?  If so, I am not bound up by what Paul calls a Spirit of Fear.
3.  In the middle of my fearful moments do I see Papa supporting me and walking with me?  Having the knowledge of "God with me" makes all the difference in the world.
4.  Am I able to lean on others?  For me to think I can live a self-sufficient life is idiocy.  My wife, my kids, my family, my church are all there for me and the surgery will be a time for me to rely on them.

I can have a fearful concern and still remain positive in my relationships with family, others, and God.  I can be positive about the outcome and look forward to many years of life, love, and ministry.  I can reach out and grab the hand of Jesus and absolutely know that he will be with me.  After all, he said, "And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”   


Yes, I have some fear, but I am not caught up in a Spirit of Fear.  Instead, I am caught up in heaven sent love.  Love that sheds light on what I am going through and puts my fear in perspective.  This sounds like another Street Light to me.

Good News and Prayer Requests

Phew!  Chemotherapy is finished.  Radiation therapy is finished.  5 weeks with no doctor visits at all.  Yay!

My daughter, Megan, is having our second grandchild towards the end of May.  Yay!

On Nov. 21 I am discussing with my oncologist my surgery schedule.  Removing the previously cancer affected area is the best treatment for someone as young as I am.  :)

If the surgery is done in December,  I can take advantage of my high out of pocket expenses in 2011.  If the surgery is in January my expense limits roll back and the surgery will cost a lot of extra money.

I am not looking forward to the surgery but if gives me a better chance at being cancer free then bring it on. You can help me by praying for a successful surgery in December and a quick recovery.

You, my prayer partners, can be a Street Light shining on me.  You have done well thus far and I appreciate it.  I know that you will continue in prayer for Susan and me.  Thank you.

While you are at it, pray for my daughter and little Aloysius Egbert or Blanche Dorothea.  A prayer cover for them is a good thing.

They need Street Lights, too.


(Like the names?  I made them up and they do not represent the names that Megan and Drew have picked out.)

Another Blessing: They Just Keep Coming

Susan and I are going to be grandparents again in May.

Yay!

Something else to look forward to.  New generation.  Fresh start.  Hope for tomorrow.  Sounds like God-stuff to me.

Another streetlamp shining on us.

Bucket List

To set the record straight I do not like the phrase Bucket List.  It implies my impending death, but I am not dying.  I still have lots of life, love, and ministry in front of me.  However, I still have a Bucket List.  Some items are silly.  Some seem selfish.  But all are serious.
I'm going to share my Bucket List with you.  Items are in no particular order.  My list is a work in progress.  Next year will find the list slightly changed, but that's okay.  I am giving these goals thought and prayer.
1.  I want to baptize all my grandchildren.
In my religious tradition, my grandchildren will not be baptized until they have made a thoughtful decision to follow Jesus and are able to understand the consequences of that decision.  I'll need to be around for the next 5-25 years for this to come to pass.
2.  When I grow up I want to be a neat old man.
   Fun to be around
   Wise
   Sought out
   Role Model
   Wizened by life’s experiences
   Mellowed by God’s grace, mercy, and blessings
   A Man of Faith
I want to be a man who has made a difference in the lives of those around me.
In order for this to happen...
   I must stand ready to stand up and meet the challenges of each day. 
   I must live within God’s Glorious Now.
   I must allow myself to be placed in uncomfortable and painful situations.
   I must trust in God’s grace and His strength.
   I must rely upon my calling as a Christian.
   I must acknowledge my lost battles.
   I must have faith that Christ will be victorious in the war.
   I must be ready to act in Such a Time As This
3.  I want to do motivational speaking and revivals. Not full time, I still want to pastor.  But I would love to get The Word out about how God has touched my life.  Maybe people will see that Papa also wants to touch theirs. I finally have something to say and people tell me they are willing to listen.  (Listen up my preacher friends and denominational leaders; you can help make this happen.)
4.  I want to raise money for cancer research.  When I get on the other side of this cancer and can refer to myself as a survivor, I'll begin with some 5K's in the spring.
5.  I want to author (or co-author) a book that brings hope to cancer victims and their families.  This one will be tough to accomplish.  I don't have the credentials that publishers want in their authors.  Maybe this blog can serve as the skeleton and one of you authors out there could add the body.
6.  I want to own a antique Farmall Cub Tractor.  This is a small tractor with full capabilities.  I want the mower, and front blade.   I'd finally be able to clear the snow from my own driveway (and my neighbors').  Plus, I'd look so cool in the parades driving that bright red tractor decked out with patriotic bunting.  I could take you for a ride on my little red tractor.
7.  I want a motorcycle, a big one with a windshield, full fenders, large tires, and floorboards.  I want the pipes loud enough that when I goose the bike in a tunnel I can feel the power.  I want to ride to the next Thunder in the Hills Rally.  I don't know when I will have a bike.  Discretionary income is an issue. Right now, my medical team is driving my future bike and my little red tractor.
8.  I want this blog to help people cope with their cancer.


That's all for now.  There will be more later.  God will allow some to come to pass.  Others will stand aside in honor of more important items.  I am positive that God will be in the middle of my life and even my bucket list.


By the way, God also has a bucket list.  Would you like to see a part of it?  Here is one bullet.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity."   God to Jeremiah, chapter 29, verses 11-13a
    Plans to prosper you
    Plans not to harm you
    Plans to give you hope
    Plans to give you a future
    Plans to make myself available to you
    Plans to give you freedom


This is a wonderful bucket list. 


Bucket Lists can be Street Lights, especially God's list.  His shines brightly on me and you.

When Life is Pretty Good Sometimes It Gets... Better

This last week has been good news on top of good news, topped off with even more good news.  Let me tell you a secret:  You can have cancer and life still be an exceptional experience.

There is a promise written in scripture that goes like this:


"Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full––pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.” (The words of Jesus as recorded in Luke's Gospel, chapter 6, verse 39, New Living Translation)


I don't pretend to know all about this promise.  For example, God already owns everything.  What can I give to Him?  Another way to put it is, what in the world can I give to God for Christmas that He does not already have?  You talk about having someone who is hard to buy for!

Wait a minute... there is one thing that God may not have...  Me.  Once I give myself to God, warts and all, for Him to use any way He wants, then God goes into blessing mode simply because He loves me.  These blessings may not be what I desire, but they will be exactly what I need at the time.  And sometimes these blessings will be much more than I can imagine.

Here is what this scripture promise looks like as it works in my faith walk.  I have given myself to God.  Sometimes I tried to take back part of my gift and live life my way, but somehow, I always ended up giving myself to God again.

Now, here is what has been happening this week, and it is just Wednesday:
Blessing:  Tumor removed and the pathology report shows the tissue to be cancer free.  Radiation and chemo therapies are doing their job.  Praise the Lord!
Blessing:  I had to buy some smaller pants and found I am down 10 pants sizes.  Yay!
Blessing:  Today I heard from the company that manufactures Lovenox.  They are giving me 3 months worth of medication for free, and there will be a chance that they will pick up the next three months as well.  This gift  is valued at more than $2,000 per month.  How 'bout them apples!  Your prayers on this matter have been dramatically answered.

To me, this sure looks like pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into my lap.


My life is an exceptional experience. What an adventure this is.  Wow!  I like living in the light from the Street Lamps.  Won't you join me?

Two Pieces of Good News

Susan and I received two very good pieces of news today.  Such good news was this that we have been praising God all day.  I'll tell you the lesser good news and then I'll share the greater good news.

Good News the Lesser:  I went to J.C. Penny's this afternoon and bought a couple of pairs of pants. I have dropped 10 waist sizes and I've lost 75 pounds.  40 pounds were lost the good way during Lent and up until Pentecost.  This cancer took the other 35.  But hey, 10 inches smaller is great news.  Don't you think?  And 75 pounds... that's the size of a healthy 5th grader.  When you are sick, you'll take good news anywhere you find it.

Good News the Greater:  8 days ago I was having trouble swallowing.  Actually, I could not swallow and it badly frightened me.  My gastro-enterologist asked me to meet him at the hospital for an upper endoscopy. During this procedure he was to take a look down my throat and see what was happening.  He took one look and decided it was time for the tumor to come out.  You already know that my esophagus is now clean as a whistle, but this is not the Greater Good News.

Susan and I saw my general oncologist this morning.  He told me that what the doctor had removed from my gullet was not a tumor.  This confused me.  "Do you mean he missed the tumor?  I saw the pictures.  Everything is gone."

"Oh, the esophagus is clean.  He missed nothing," the Doctor replied.  "What I mean is that the pathology report shows that there were no cancer cells in the excised tissue.  Your chemo therapy and radiation therapy have been effective.  They have killed the cancer."

Can you imagine the effect of those words on Susan and me?

How should we properly express our joy?

Should we be thankful for skillful physicians who are fighting for my life?  Absolutely!
Should we acknowledge the cause and effect of chemo and radiation therapies on the cancer cells?  You betcha!

Is this enough?  No way!

Here's what I think.  For the rest of my life I need to praise God for the way all this has been orchestrated, and this is what I will do.  When the doctor told me I had cancer, he also had a gastro-intestinal oncologist to whom he could refer me.  When Susan and I were called to minister here on the Northern Neck, little did we know that one of the most skillful radiation oncologists in the state had his practice here.  This is God at work.  He knows my life and my future.  I can trust Him and I will absolutely trust Him.

We have seen God weaving a rich, four dimensional tapestry of welfare towards us. (The Time of my Life is the fourth dimension.)  I am not going to leave God out of my healing process.  I am not going to stop praising God for all he has done.

People of God have a hymnal.  This is a collection of songs that we sing to God as we remember His faithfulness to us.  Most people know it as the Book of Psalms.  Here is a line from one of those songs that I will keep close to my heart for the rest of my life.

Psalm 104:33  I will sing to the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.


I am not out of the woods, not yet.  I have another 10 radiation treatments to go.  Then there will be an evaluation preceding a new plan of treatment.  I cannot truthfully declare a cure, but I most decidedly declare that I am walking the brightest light since my diagnosis.

I praise God for the street lights of encouraging good news.

Lady Hummingbird

We still have one female hummingbird hanging around our feeder station.  She is supposed to be on her way to South America, but I don't think she knows. 

For the past three mornings I have had a chat with her.  With me in my kitchen and she outside the kitchen window, I started by talking plainly and telling her it was time to go.  I explained in a patient tone that soon it was going to be too cold for her to survive.  I told her it was time for her to follow that big hummingbird flyway south.

From the plain and patient tone I went to the logical and emphatic mode.  "You must leave today or you will die."

From logical and emphatic I went to the threatening and demanding mode.  "Look you stupid little dumbingbird,  head on down the road or else!"

I really love the little bird.  I don't want her to die.  It would upset me to find her little body on the lawn one day.  She needs to head to South America.  But do you think she gets the message?  No way!  I have no way to communicate with her.  She simply cannot understand what I am telling her.

**********

Great God Almighty has a similar problem.  We can't understand Him.  We have a problem and it will bring death.  He loves us and wants us to understand what we have to do, but we cannot hear God's message.  That's why He sent Jesus (His Son) to us in the form of a man. Jesus speaks our language.  We can understand Him.  And now, His church, is charged with sharing Jesus' message that we need to change or we will die.

What do we need to change?  It's that problem we have with wanting to do things our way.  Never minding what God wants, we choose to go our own way and then insist that it has to be ok with God for us to do so.  The only problem is that this is not the way it works.

What does this have to do with my battle with cancer?  Not much, except for this...  I heard Jesus' message and I have accepted his message hook, line, and sinker.  I have accepted him for all he is.  And because of that I now live in a world where I can have cancer, but cancer will never ever have me.  Never, ever!

And that, my friend, is a very bright streetlamp shining on me.

A Prayer Request

Most of you know I developed a blood clot in my lung.  The treatment was to go on a particular blood thinner for 6 mos.  This med is simple to use and effective.  It does not "build up" in the system and is pretty safe.  It's called Lovenox.

A Rx was written to the pharmacy and Susan went down to pick it up.  My co-pay for the generic med was $1,967.00.  Needless to say, the drug was left at the pharmacy.

We checked a mail order pharmacy and found that they had the same co-pay.

We applied to the pharmaceutical company for some assistance and they graciously supplied me with 30 days of meds at no charge.  They are making some inquiries as to why my insurer is not doing any better than this and there is a possibility that they will approve me for assistance and will pick up the entire 6 month regimen.

The alternative is to go on a different blood thinner.

So...  if you, my brothers and sisters, can add this to your prayers I would be grateful.

Do Not Ignore This Post

It is important that you know how my cancer was diagnosed.

Esophageal cancer is fast growing and can be a bit difficult to treat.  No one should ever ignore the warning sign I was experiencing... not even for a day!

When I ate the food would hit something in my esophagus and would get stuck until I drank enough water to wash it down.  A normal supper would see me drinking 36 oz of water to wash my food down.  I had an appointment with my Family Physician in about 5 weeks so I put off doing anything until I spoke with him.

My Family Doctor gave me a referral to a gastroenterologist.  After the initial consultation, the GE scheduled an endoscopy.

The endoscopy consists of the physician sending a tube with a camera down the gullet.  This tube is also capable of taking biopsies, clipping polyps, and stretching enlarged bands. I was expecting to find an enlarged band in the esophagus that my physician would stretch out and that was going to be the end of my problem..

After the endoscopy, we were in a room waiting for the Gastroenterologst to  review his findings with us.  He came in and sat down and I heard him say, "John, it's bad news.  You have cancer."

This was July 18, 2011.  I realize now, that the time I wasted by not immediately contacting my family physician was enough time for the cancer to move from my esophagus into two lymph nodes immediately adjacent to the tumor.  I should not have waited.
********

Here is my point.  When you swallow food and it feels like the food is slowing or stopping at a small place in your esophagus, run, do not walk, to your family physician and ask for a referral for a endoscopy.  The test is painless and interesting to watch.  Chances are you'll have band that can be stretched out or some other condition that can be treated immediately.  But if it is cancer, you need to be in treatment ASAP.  Another condition they might find is something called Barrett's Esophagus.

B E is a condition that will be regularly monitored because it is a area on the esophageal wall that is highly prone to develop cancer.

Never ignore a stricture in your esophagus.  They do not go away on their own. You will do yourself a favor by checking it out.  

The Valley

It has been a busy, busy week.

Tuesday saw us in Newport News getting a comparison CT scan for my radiation oncologist.  He needed this to see changes in the tumor compared to CT done in July.  Susan and I were walking out of the imaging lab when the CT tech came running up and asked us to return to the office.  The radiologist wanted to speak wit us before we left.

It seems the CT shows a blood clot in the left, lower lung.  It is a serious development and he wanted me to see my oncologist right away.  My oncologist admitted me to the hospital on Tues for treatment, training and evaluation.  I am now on blood thinner and oxygen therapy and my maintenance drugs have been reevaluated.

Here's the interesting part, the blood clot had previously been diagnosed as non-specific pneumonia and was being treated with antibiotics.  Had the clot remained undetected, it could have been fatal.

How 'bout them apples?!!!   You cannot convince me that I am not in the light and grace of God.
********
Just a couple of hours before we left the hospital on Friday, a dear lady was cleaning the room.  I began to talk with her and quickly found out that a revivalist had preached a sermon on the 23rd Psalm and it had deeply affected her.  She told me that the part about walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death  had particularly touched her.

She further explained that we are God's sheep.  The Valley is really our life.  The Valley may be full of danger, but God's sheep are cared for and are in God's hand.  That's a good place to be.  We absolutely will go through trying and dangerous times but God is there with us and His rod and His staff are sufficient to care for us and comfort us.

I began to see that God sent the revivalist a message that touched a lady who was a hospital cleaning specialist.  He then sent that lady to my room where she shared her message with Susan and I when we most needed a word from the Lord.

Now, I pass the message to you and one or more of you will also be touched.  Please, do not be afraid to share how God has ministered to you.  You never know when your testimony will light up the life of a family battling cancer.  You will replace darkness with light.

That's how these streetlamps work.  They are simple lights, shining in the dark.

Still In the Light

A while back I asked you to pray about my insurer covering a different kind of radiation treatment.  It is called Intensity Modulated Radiation Therapy.  IMRT gives my Radiation Oncologist more flexibility in treating my tumor and allows him to reduce some of the superfluous radiation to non-cancer affected areas.

Monday afternoon, the insurer approved the IMRT.

Thank you for your prayers.  I'm still walking from streetlamp to streetlamp.  Your prayers keep me in the light.

Allow me to sing a song for you.  It's an old song, originally published in 1899.  Lyrics were written by a kindly man named Henry J. Zelley.  It's a song I have sung all my life and it means a lot to me.  I can't record my voice to this blog, so I'll give you the lyrics.  In your mind, crash in the voice of Josh Groban, because that is who I sound like.

Heavenly Sunlight
Walking in sunlight all of my journey,
Over the mountains, through the deep vale;
Jesus has said, I’ll never forsake thee—
Promise divine that never can fail.

• Refrain:
  Heavenly sunlight! Heavenly sunlight!
  Flooding my soul with glory divine;
  Hallelujah! I am rejoicing,
  Singing His praises, Jesus is mine!

More Information Than Motivation

I have been taken off my diabetes med.  Yesterday, my blood pressure meds were reduced.  Losing 65 lbs has its benefits.   But I do not recommend my diet.

I went in to my radiation clinic yesterday.  (By the way, Dr. Walsh and his staff at Mid Rivers Cancer Center are top notch.)  Dr. Walsh wanted to see me before my treatment.  My BP was low.  Too low to ignore.  Pulse was weak.  Heart sounds were muffled.    He sent me to the ER in Tappahannock to have some work done to determine the cause.

One infusion, 5 nurses, one Echo Cardiogram specialist, 3 tests,  a cardiologist, and a ER doctor later I was told I have a healthy heart, an amazing capacity to withstand low BP, and to cut in half a particular med.

Except for the cancer, I have a clean bill of health.

So, how can you pray this week?
1) I am battling nausea and fatigue.
2) I dearly want to see the church this Sunday.  I have a message to share straight from my heart.
3) We made it through the hurricane unscathed.  Thank God for that.
4) I have had two friends come through some some serious medical stuff this week.  Praise God for that.

I'm sorry this post is more informational than motivational.  But that will happen from time to time.

May God bless you and yours with all of His best.

Wildfires, Earthquakes, and Hurricanes

In the last week my area has suffered from the smoke from a wildfire located over 100 miles away.  On Monday we had an earthquake.  And tonight we know a hurricane is coming and everyone is wondering what kind of damage we will sustain.

When facing life's uncertainties it's easy to stress out.  What if we get flooded...   What if the power goes out...   What if a tree falls on my car...   What if Wanda the Wicked Witch is blown from Oz to my neighborhood...

I do not wish to make light of our concerns.  My intention is to draw attention to what I call the WhatIf Disease. WhatIf Disease kidnaps us from "The Land of Present Reality" to the "Land of Maybe and Could Be".

The Land of Maybe and Could Be is a very strange place where concerns become fears and daydreams become nightmares.  In this land, we think of a bad possibility and it takes on the power haunt our days, interrupt our nights, and replace our faith with fear.  This is a place from which we need to be rescued, because we have been kidnapped and restrained.

The Land of Present Reality is much more enjoyable.  Yes, there are some trials that I would rather not be going through, but there are also blessings galore, fellowship, and Papa's Presence.  In The Land of Present Reality Papa is with me.  He walks with me.  He carries my load.  And I know His joy.  He gives me His peace.

Do not be deceived in thinking The Land of Maybe and Could Be is a myth.  It is very real and very evil.  However, The Land of Present Reality has a much stronger reality.  It has an all powerful King who watches out for those who are his.  It is a land where I can love and be loved.  It is a land where I may have cancer, but cancer will never have me.

Here are two sets of wise, holy words that speak to The Land of Present Reality.  We do well to remember them.


"For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His."  (The Chronicles of the Kings, part 2-  Chapter 16, verse 9)


"And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age."  (Words of Jesus, the Christ)

A Repost

1,111 hits in less than a month.  (Father, please use this blog to bless and encourage)  I have looked at the page hits and many have not seen the first posts.  What follows is the very first blog we posted.  I thought it was worth a repeat.
*********************

The purpose of this blog

Purpose One: The show of support from my friends and family has been overwhelming.  Now, I have so many people who need to stay updated as to my treatment and progress that it would take me days to send each one a personal message. This blog provides me a way to keep everyone posted and to allow them to drop Susan and me a line from time to time.

Purpose Two:  Hearing the words, "You have cancer," replaces swagger with stagger.  For me, it split me down the middle with my mind acknowledging the diagnosis while my heart was in full emotional denial.  It took me three days before my mind and emotions came together and that was a bad day for me.  People with cancer need support and maybe, in some small way, this blog will help somebody, somewhere to deal with their disease.

Keep up the good work

Susan and I were at a friend's house last night watching a certain Texas team lose a football game.  :)  I had just eaten some supper.  Susan smiled and said, "You have eaten more today than I have seen you eat in weeks.  That makes me happy."

I replied, "You know... I posted a prayer request about my eating just two days ago.  Today is an answer to those prayers."

Look at yourself.  You prayed and God answered.  God allowed you to become a part of one of his acts of love.  I hope you understand just how wonderful that is.  You said, in essence, "God use my prayer.  Please use me."

And what did God do?   He took you at your word and used you.  Wow!  Good job!  Keep up the good work and see what other blessings God has for you this week.

Prayer Requests

#1  Having trouble eating.  Dropping weight too fast.  You know I'm a big man, but I'm down 60 lbs since Lent. I lost 40 the right way.  The other 20 has fallen of since my July 18th diagnosis.  I'm trying to eat more and I'm supplementing with Glucerna.  We'll see what happens, but I need some prayer cover on this.

#2  I have a persistent cough.   I can't do any deep breathing.  And I need good pulmonary function for recovery after surgery.

Result of these two problems is weakness.  I don't want to get any weaker.  My numbers have to be good when i go in for my next chemo infusion.

Can you help out this old buzzard and cover these with prayer?

Living in the Moment

Wow!   Almost 900 hits to this blog in its short 10 day life.  Thank you for caring enough to keep coming back.

I prefer to read about someone who is wrestling with real difficulties and so I have included a few of my own wrestling matches.  I don't want a bog that is all sweetness and light.  Too much sugar is bad for everyone.  On the other hand, I don't want a blog that is nothing but a list of complaints.  That gets old, real quick.

So, I am trying to strike a balance.  And I don't think I have found it yet.  But hang with me.  I'll find it sooner or later.  In the meantime, I'll continue to keep you updated as to what is going on and will occasionally post a personal observation.

Radiation therapy is what's happening now.  5 days a week.  For the next 7 weeks.
On the 29th, another week of chemo therapy.  Yay!  (NOT!)

There are more details I could throw in, but to tell you the truth,   I try not to dwell on them.  Today's concerns are plenty.  I can't allow my self to get caught up in the tommorows.  That will infect me with the "What-if" disease.  I already have a disease, thank you very much.  I don't need another.  Some of my cancer surviving friends call this "Living in the Moment".  It's the correct way to deal with this.

Sandpaper in the Johnny House

If you ever find yourself in a Johnny House and see some sandpaper, please be advised it is not there for your personal hygiene.

Johnny House seats often become rough and develop splinters.  The sandpaper is there to smooth these out.  The sandpaper makes the seat usable again.

Sometimes your kind words are like healing oil.  Other times they are like sandpaper.  Please... do not be offended.  You can never predict the way Papa will use your words.  But you can rest easy that they will be used for welfare and not for evil.  The result will be a return to usefulness and that is good.  In fact, that is very good.

I have had some rough spots and some splinters.  I have had sandpaper applied and then healing oil.  I'm better for it.  Papa knows how to use your words.  They will be healing oil and they will be sandpaper.  whatever he knows is needed at the time.  You simply need to be faithful in speaking, praying, doing... Thank you for your kindnesses.

Here are some deeply spiritual words that speak to your actions, "Think how you have instructed many, how you have strengthened feeble hands.  Your words have supported those who stumbled; you have strengthened faltering knees."     (From the Book of Job.  Chapter 4:3-4)


You are some pretty neat people.  You really are.  Streetlights... everyone of you.
(Folks at Daily strength.  You sanded over some rough spots.  Thank you)

A Visit With the Surgeon

We visited the surgeon yesterday.  It was a little scary and a lot sobering.  But surgery is at least 2 mos away and I will worry about that when it comes.  In the meantime, my plan is still intact.  One day, one procedure, one Doctor at at time until I am cancer free.

Am I ostriching?   No way.  I am aware of what is going on.  I have simply chosen to concern myself only with today's troubles.  Here are some holy words that speak to this:

Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.  And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’  These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.  Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. 

“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."  
(Excerpted from The Sermon on the Mount, Matthew's Gospel, chapter 6, New Living Translation)

(Ostriching:  from the verb "to ostrich"-   putting your head in the sand so that you can ignore your problems.  This action also requires your butt in the air decorated with a sign that says "kickme")

Buzzards Are Beautiful

Look up in the sky.  Watch the buzzards windsail.  Smooth, effortless flight.  Groups of buzzards gather and form an aerial ballet chorus.  They are quite lovely.  I have sat  for hours and enjoyed their soaring dance.

On the ground they continue with their calling to restore beauty to the landscape. I don't want to be be crude but my county has no "roadkill crew".  This is left to the buzzards.  The birds work with dedication.  The birds work efficiently.  The birds work cheap.  Smaller carcasses are often cleaned up in a day.  Large carcasses take just a little longer.  If it were not for these beautiful birds I truly believe our road shoulders would be piled high with putrefying bodies.

What does this have to do with my Streetlamp theme?  Absolutely nothing.  It's just that, in spite of their up close appearance, I find buzzards beautiful.  I know that sometimes I can be an old buzzard.  When I am "the old buzzard", maybe someone will find beauty in me.

Today's Blessings

Today...   a dear sister from church drove me to my radiation treatment

Today...  I received wonderful, care-full attention from the staff of my radiation oncologist.  (Always true of these guys)

Today...  I awoke refreshed after a good night's sleep

Today...  I had a cup of coffee.  A rarity these days.  Loved it.  Been missing it

Today...  my wife kissed me and told me she loved me; and she meant it

There are more I could list, but I think you get the picture

These belong to today.  Tomorrow's blessings will be just as numerous and full.

These blessings are the light from the streetlamps.  They prove I'm still in Papa's radiance.

Radiation Therapy Needs a Prayer Cover

1st treatment today.  Phasers were set on KILL.  But there is a problem we are having that you can cover with prayer.

My radiation oncologist wants to do a specialized type of therapy that will significantly cut back on radiation amounts to my non-cancer areas.  But my insurance company does not want to approve this specialized treatment.  They say that traditional radiation therapy is what is called for right now.

That's enough info for your prayers.  Pray that the insurance disagreement will be resolved and that I will receive the best therapy for my cancer.

FYI-  I'm glad the radiation has started.  It is good to know that all weapons are armed, aimed, and engaged.

A Good Meal

Last night a friend brought over some eggplant casserole.  We invited her to stay for supper and the three of us enjoyed food and fellowship.  That was the first "meal" I have had in a while and it was good.  Today for lunch I had leftovers and it was very good.

I stepped on the scales this morning and grinned.

Through sweat and tears I had lost 40 pounds prior to my diagnosis.  Since then I've lost another 13 lbs.   That's too much.  It's not all fat that has gone.  I've lost some strength as well.   I'm trying to supplement my fibers and proteins as best I can but an obstructed esophagus and chemotherapy have been problematic to eating well.  I need strength to fight.

I stepped on the scales this morning and grinned.  My weight was up 1.4 lbs.  Never before have I been happy over a weight gain.  That means this morning was exceptional.

Thank every one of you for your prayers.  You offer them to God.  God gives them substance.  In fact, I can see your prayers.  They look like the light coming from a streetlamp.

Update

Susan and I were on our way to my first radiation treatment when the clinic called with a reschedule.  I've been wanting to get  this part of the treatment started.  I have wanted to see all the guns and cannons firing against this enemy of mine.  To tell you the truth I was a bit aggravated at this change in MY schedule.

But, I quickly got over my aggravation.  Wednesday at 4 will be my first treatment now.  This will augment the first round of chemo I received last week. I believe that Wed will be the perfect day to begin radiation.  Evidently, so does my Papa.  I'm in good hands.

I'm still in the light.

One Day At A Time

When I think too far ahead I get confused.  I look beyond the streetlights in front of me and the shadows are too deep, too dark.  For me it's best to take one step at a time.  Moving from street light to street light keeps me in the light.  I need to remain in the light.

One day at a time. One Doctor at a time.  One treatment at a time.  One side effect at a time.  Then, one day, it will be all over and I'll be cancer free.  That's my plan and I'm sticking to it.

Plans can be street lights, too.