Am I Crazy or a Mean Old Man?

Radiation and chemo are finished for now.  I feel great.  For so long surgery has been what separates me from being in treatment and being a survivor.  But surgery has been delayed.

My last PET scan shows a new 'hot' spot.  There is no sense in doing surgery until we can determine what is that 'hot spot'.  This morning I am sitting in yet another physician's office waiting for a procedure that may give us the answer.

I am juggling too many "IF's".  There is too much uncertainty.  I am having trouble dealing with it.
    "If they can do a biopsy..."
    "If the biopsy is a good representation of the surrounding tissue..."
    "If the biopsy is clear..."

Why am I feeling so impatient at this change in schedule?   Because it is MY schedule that has been changed.  Because it is MY expectations that have not been met.

Why am I cross when I am called to juggle numerous possibilities?  Because I feel the possibility should be a known fact and that I should know the outcome.

It is terribly unflattering to realize that my impatience and cross-ness is symtomatic of an ego problem.  This delay in schedule is another reminder that I have no control over events and circumstances, and I really like being in control.

I cannot control events and circumstances, but I can control my reactions to them.  My impatience and cross nature point to a second problem I have.  It seems that either I am not in control of my reactions  OR  I have chosen impatience and crossness as a desired reaction.

Wow!  This means I am either crazy or I am a mean old man.

I'm not crazy.  Really,  I'm not.

When I grow up, I want to be a neat old man.  This is an honorable life goal.  My current crossness is getting in the way of achieving a life goal.  It has to go.

It is going to take a bit of effort to rid myself of this negative tendancy.  I may be a bit short with people as I deal with it.  I am asking for your forgiveness in advance.

Bear with me.   Bear with The Bear.  I'll get better.  I promise.

I'll not focus on the uncontrollable and begin to focus on reality.  Here is reality.
God knows what is going on.
God knows me.
God has an eternal purpose for me.
I can trust God.

This will keep me from going crazy.  This will allow me to grow up and be a neat old man.

How cool is that?
(Way cool!)

PS...  The final outcome has not happened.  There was no biopsy done today.  I have to wait until next Thursday.  There was a medicine I should not have taken.  (Sigh...)