Pac-Man To The Rescue

Oxaliplatin, Levoleucovorin, FU-5, Cisplatin...  These are my libations, my potions, my tie to the apothecary art.   Some enjoy a martini, a beer, or a sippin' whisky; for me it's, "Bartender, a shot of FU-5, please, with an Oxaliplatin mixer."                                         You may recognize these names as chemo-therapy drugs.  If you have fought or are fighting cancer the mere sight of these names may bring a nauseating roll to your insides.  If you are a caretaker, you may grimace as you think about the way this therapy racks your loved one's body.

I have heard many refer to these drugs as dreadful poisons.  I have heard the hateful disdain in the voices of caretakers and cancer patients as they referred to their chemo drugs.  I have felt that way.  And when I am knocked off my feet by the effects of chemo-therapy, I still have trouble thinking kindly about these drugs.  However, the fact is, these drugs are effective at fighting cancer. 

I have a friend whose 19 year old son was diagnosed with lymphoma.   As this young man received his chemo-therapy he used to imagine the chemo was Pac-Man eating away at his cancer ghosts.  What a great analogy!  (This young man is now years older.  Chemo-therapy and a bone marrow transplant brought remission from his lymphoma.)

Anti cancer drugs have hateful side effects.  Some cancer patients have mouths full of sores and heads with patchy hair.  Caretakers look at their weakened, nauseated, loved ones and not only hate the cancer, but also hate the drugs that fight it.  I'm fighting cancer and I have wondered why I felt worse from the drugs than I did from the cancer.

I forget the cancer was stopped before it could hurt and kill me.

I absolutely believe there comes a time when the cancer patient is justified in saying, "Enough.  I've had enough.  It's time to give up the fight."

But that time is  far down the road for most of us.  For many, that day will never come because of remission or cure.  Every one of us needs to stay in our NOW.  We need to receive the blessings of each day as they are given.  In the words of King David, the Psalmist, we need to "taste and see that the Lord is good."

For now, I'm going to be thankful for the little bitty Pac-Men in my system that are eating any cancer ghosts they might find.  I'm also going to pray that cancer treatments might progress beyond the point of oncologists using potent poisons to eradicate cancer cells.

Won't you join me?  Be thankful that Pac-Man is more than just a computer game, that Pac-Man has joined with modern oncology.  Be thankful that oncology has progressed to the point where we have drugs effective against cancer.  This progress has not ceased.  Cancer treatments will continue to improve.  One day we will have cancer-cell-specific treatments for every form of cancer.

Until then, it is Pac-Man to the Rescue.

The Power of Forgiveness

• "I wish to have my family and friends know that I love them.
• I wish to be forgiven for the times I have hurt my family, friends, and others.
• I wish for my family, friends and others know that I forgive them for when they have hurt me in my life.
• I wish my family and friends to know that I do not fear death itself.  I think it is not the end but a new beginning for me.
• I wish for all my family members to make peace with each other before my death, if they can."

(From Five Wishes, a Living Will available from Aging With Dignity. page 9;  A read-only copy can be viewed at   http://www.agingwithdignity.org/forms/5wishes.pdf)

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My wife and I have Living Wills listing our preferences for end stage treatments.  We like the 5 Wishes format.  I was re-reading the 5 Wishes and noticed the bullets listed above.  Do you see the emphasis given to forgiveness?

Why should I wait until the end to forgive and be forgiven?  Why should my loved ones delay forgiveness and reconciliation until I am end stage?  I believe I should begin today to facilitate the spread of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is powerful.  Forgiveness brings peace.  Forgiveness trumps regrets.  There are times when I will not receive forgiveness; I can't do anything about that, but shame on me if I am too stubborn to forgive.

I plan on being around for many more years. I feel like I've been given some extra time. There is no reason for me to expect to be going into end stage anytime soon.    Now that I have this extra time, I will begin right now to forgive, to seek forgiveness, and to encourage others to do the same, especially my friends and loved ones.  

It is a worthy goal to assist someone to forgive.  It is wonderful to watch as someone is forgiven.  It is almost as much fun as when I forgive and am forgiven.  The length of our life is unknown and often is too short.  Life is too precious for me to be all bound up in an unforgiving attitude.

How about you?  Are you withholding forgiveness toward someone?  Will you continue to put off asking forgiveness for offenses you have made?

It does not matter who you are or what are the circumstances of your life.  Forgiveness is essential to your psychological and spiritual well being.  The sooner you forgive, the sooner you ask for forgiveness, the sooner you will begin to enjoy the peace and power of forgiveness.

Today I Begin My 2nd Year As A Survivor

It was one year ago today that I was told I have cancer.  At that time my personal knowledge of Esophageal Cancer was sketchy.  In fact, everyone I knew who had it had died of it quickly.  Soon, I found out my cancer was Stage 4a Squamous Cell Carcinoma.  Wow, that was encouraging news! (Not)

I was in radiation/chemo therapy within a couple of weeks and the therapy worked.  It killed my tumor.  I had surgery in January 2012 to remove most of the esophagus and after the surgery I was declared NED, No Evidence of Disease.

It has been a tough year.  But I want tell you there is life after a cancer diagnosis.  Good life.  Abundant life.  Life that is not taken for granted.  Life that is given one day at a time.  Days that come with special blessings. Blessings from which we can drink deeply.

I just realized that this is the beginning of my 2nd year as a survivor.  That's a great big blessing.  I think this is  one that I will drink from deeply.

In fact, please excuse me while I get a glass and some ice.  I'll post again soon, but for now I have some life to live.

The "Little" Things in Life

The "Little" Things in life are not little.  They are quite large and very important.  I don't know why we call them little.  It is probably our skewed perception.  It's skewed because we perceive the big things in life as being power, prestige, influence, and assets.

If you had all of that but could never receive the first smile of your grandson, would you be truly happy?  Is a baby's smile a little thing or a big thing?

This is Kramer.  He was our good friend for 14 years.   We loved him and he loved us unconditionally.  We had to say "goodbye" to him a couple of months before I was diagnosed with cancer.  During those 14 years I got countless kisses and infinite tail wags and I had a friend who was always glad to see me.  Let me ask you, is this a little thing or a big thing?  It's not big...  It's huge!

This is Boomer.  We rescued him on Thursday (07/12/12).  He  is a gift from God.  Honestly, he is.  I have been looking for a little guy like him for 6 months.  His mommy was not able to keep him and  wanted him in a good home.  She contacted RescueMe.org.  They contacted me.  And that is how God put us together.  He is healthy.  Well tempered.  1 1/2 yrs old.  And about 15 lbs, but after he is groomed I expect that to drop significantly.  

He has already given us joy and we are looking forward to a loving relationship with him.  So Boomer has brought us hope, hope in a tomorrow, hope in a loving God, hope that each and every day will bring a gift.  May God grant me the vision to recognize those gifts.

Some of you are battling cancer.  Do not lose hope.  Look to those little/large things in life to bring you joy and hope.  With us, each day is a gift.   Don't move out into the future with your own expectations of what the future will bring.  Instead, live in the present.  And look for each day to bring you  the gift of hope.

Those "Little" Things in Life are Street Lights sent to light our way through the darkness.

A Healing Place

Yesterday was July 4th.  Susan and I decided to carry our chairs down to a little beach here on the Northern Neck of Virginia.  This beach is all of 200 yards long, but it is special.  Sitting on this beach you look across the mouth of the Potomac River and can see directly into the Chesapeake Bay.  We've been here three years and this was the first time we set up the umbrella and chairs.

We expected the beach to be crowded, but there were just two other families there.  For the first hour it felt like we owned the place.  The sun was hot, but a breeze blowing off the water and our umbrella made for a more than comfortable afternoon.  Waves lapped the shore in a divinely set rhythm.  Shore birds called out to us.  Salt water aroma ministered to more than nose and palate as it assimilated into the spirit.

This was more than peaceful; it was Peace.

After a while, two families arrived.  Soon, there were a dozen children playing in the water.  Added to our Peace was the sound of kids having fun.  And it was good.

A mother came with her two daughters.  One girl was loving the water.  The other was timid.  In the end, Mom was playing with both girls in the cool water.

There was a little three year old.  Spider-man skiv-ees were his swim trunks.  He was loving the beach,  trying to do headstands in 6 inches of water and falling over laughing and blowing water every time.

One family brought their Yorkshire Terrier.  This 6 months old pup was running everywhere.  Greeting everyone.  Hopping in the water like a goat.  First, this way down the beach at full speed.  Next, that way down the beach.  In the water. In the sand.  Poor little thing looked like a drowned rat, but she was having fun.  We got the biggest kick out of watching her.

We arrived home after 3 hours at the beach.  I realized just how relaxed I was.  I was quietly smiling. Susan and I had been given a special peace.  And with that peace came healing for our ragged spirits.  The beach had become a healing place for us.

God has sent us another street light.

Advice to You Who Have A Loved One Battling Cancer

Hello!   It is good to see you.  We sincerely appreciate your interest in us and our fight against Esophageal Cancer.  Please consider leaving us a comment.  It is always good to hear from you and gives us an idea of who is following the blog.

Just to let you  know there have been  over 5,000 hits on the blog since we began it.  Thank you for following.

Many of you know that we stopped my post surgery chemotherapy because it was wreaking havoc with me.  It was designed to seek out and destroy any remaining unseen cancer cells.  You should know that I am back on chemo.  My oncologist wants me back on it.  I will stay on this therapy for the next three months until my next scheduled scans.  Then, we will reevaluate and go from there.

This particular regimen is easier than before.  Every two weeks I go in for infusion and come home with a pump for 46 hours.  Pump comes off until the next treatment.  I tolerated the first round well (except for the day the pump came off) and feel this is very doable.  My next treatment is July 10.

That is pretty much where my treatment is right now.  Fighting cancer is tough.  Sometimes the side effects of the treatment are rugged.  Other times the waiting can wreck you emotionally.  Every scan is a new chance to find the cancer has returned.  Most often there is a delay after a test before you learn the results.  While waiting, you think to yourself, "Is it back?  Am I still ok?"

Sometimes the thoughts are darker. "Can I really beat this thing?  Will my grandchildren remember me?  Has my life made any difference?"

Listen to me.  These darker thoughts come to everyone in this fight.  They do not stay permanently.  Instead, they creep up on us and yell "BOO" in the night.  We have to deal with them and Street Lights shine their special light and illuminate the lies and deceptions of the the dark thoughts.

We need time to process each new disclosure about our cancer.  The processing is not intellectual.  Instead, it is often highly emotional. Sometimes the process time is short.  Sometimes it takes longer.  If you love someone in a fight against cancer I have some advice for you.

There will be times when your loved one will not be giving you a lot of information.  This does not mean they have gone secretive about their condition.  It is simply a sign that they need some time to process something. Please do not press.  Honor your loved one's wishes.  Remain supportive.  Continue to pray for them.  And be a Street Light.  Your loving actions will shine a strong light against the Darkness.