So Great Is The Love

40-60% suffer from clinical depression

They experience anger,anxiety, sadness, isolation, exhaustion- 

and then have guilt for experiencing these feelings

It is common for them to feel stressed and overwhelmed

Grief and loneliness are common feelings

85% report feelings of resentment

70% say their families are not working well together

54% report they are visiting friends and family less often

35% say they are overwhelmed

46% report inadequate financial resources

These are not the cancer patients.  They are the Caregivers.  Most often they are spouses, children, or siblings.  For many, this is not the first time they have been thrust into this role.  Actually, they are not thrust.  They choose this role.  They do more than feel love.  Caregivers exhibit love.

At the beginning of this blog I promised I would focus on my own experiences.  However, I have no experience as a caregiver.  Susan is my Caregiver.  She drives me to chemotherapy.   She goes with me to the oncologist.  She is there when I am infused with deadly poison and reminds me it is really Pac-Men eating my cancer ghosts.  She kicks my ass when I don't do what the doctor orders.  She loves me unquestionably.  

I need this kind of love.  It is essential to my recovery.  I thank God for Susan's love.

A friend of mine from a support group did not have a Caregiver.  Here is what she says.  "The bottom line,

because I went through this without a partner, is that it's not easy for me to have a lot of empathy for those who did have a partner.  What I'm trying to say is that going through this pretty much alone is tough.  

"Had I had a partner, my four months in the hospital following surgery very likely would've been a couple of weeks instead.  It makes me wonder if people with EC fully appreciate what their journey would be like without a journey mate.  

"Perhaps this is a cancer that no one should endure unless he/she has a partner with whom to face it?"

Caregivers, you are needed.  Susan, I need you.  I love you.  I appreciate you.

I have some advice to give.  You Caregivers are important to us.

To Caregivers:
Take care of yourself.
Sleep, physical exercise, proper nutrition are important.  You will have to excuse yourself from Caregiver duties from time to time to accomplish this.  Have someone you can call in to cover when you feel ready to explode, and go get some exercise.  

Find someone you can talk to, share with, dump on.  Do not go this alone.  If you feel despondency or depression coming on find professional help in addition to your sharing partner.  

Tell the one for whom you are caring how to respond to you when your emotions get the best of you.

There will be times when I do not seem appreciative.  This is not the case.  Remember that sometimes it will be the disease or the chemo talking.  What I say will not always be a reflection of my heart.  While I'm at it, please know I am sorry for failing to show my appreciation and love.  I am sorry I hurt you.

To Others Who Want To Help:
The Caregiver needs as much of your love as the victim.  Be a friend.
Take them out to lunch or to a movie.
Arrange a girl's night out or a guy's night.
If they open up to you keep everything in confidence.
Accept that they may not open up to you.
Grass cutting, gutter cleaning, car washing, occasional meals, oil changes are all appropriate expressions of your support.  Be creative.
Don't wait to be asked.  Be proactive.  Caregivers most often are reluctant to ask for help.
Be someone the Caregiver can call in to cover.
Keep the Caregiver as well as the victim in your prayers.

I end this post with a poem written by a medical professional about a Caregiver.  Caregivers are wonderful.  The author of this poem understands this.

"Doctor, May I Whisper In My Son's Ear?"  

by NAVEEN PEMMARAJU, MD...

He was a champion
In the marathon-sprint of life

A seasoned warrior

Whose last days will be fought in the hospital

Whose last breaths will be made by the machine

The family descended on the floor

And surrounded their son

A twenty-something boy actively dying from metastatic germ cell tumor

As if protecting him from us

The patient's every last crushing harsh breath

His agony, his pain, his misery so evident

Rendering it impossible for his mother to watch any longer

The firm handshake of his tough, dignified father

Who was doing everything in his power to hold his emotions back

The fading smile of his tired mother

The hug of his grandmother

I remember my conversations with his family so well

On the eve of this boy's passing

The day before his cancer would get the best of him

His rugged father pulled me aside, flowing past his son

And asked, “doctor, may I whisper in my son's ears?”

To give him permission to leave this earth

You see, his frail mother had run dry from days of bitter hot tears

I thought about this profound question for a bit

I resolutely, purposefully turned to the stately father

And slowly nodded “yes”

His satisfied smile and sublime look were not as moving to me

As the one small, silent, recalcitrant tear that trickled down his left cheek

Submissions are welcome from oncologists, oncology nurses, and other cancer caregivers. E-mail only, please, to: OT@LWWNY.com, and include affiliation/title, address, and phone number, along with a photo, if available.

© 2010 Lippincott Williams & Wilkins, Inc.